The Best of Philly Service: Snarky Bitches

I GUESS THAT INCLUDES ME TOO

Here is a recap my Sunday wanderings of 4-27-08

LOIE: “Excuse me, you’re breathing my air.”

Loie has a $25 fix price brunch menu I have just been dying to take advantage of. It includes unlimited mimosas, bloody marys or a bottle of champagne… which is not nearly enough for a guzzling fun group like mine.

Our reservation for 4 at 12:30 hits a snag. We have an addition. When I call Loie the hostess explains they only have 4 outside tables and she just couldn’t allow my group to take 3 of those. Which didn’t exactly answer my question about adding a chair to the end of the existing reserved table, but uh, yeah sure. How very democratic of you darling.

I tell Colin to ditch his boyfriend. He suggests Valanni instead.

VALANNI: A Most-Exellent Journey

Our very glass eyed blonde-Keanu of a waiter (‘Bogus Dudes!’) comes over to describe one of the specials as a biscuit-sort-of-thing which we later interject must be called a benedict. “Uh yeah that’s it! Uh, sorry guys I am soooo huuung over.”

Honesty. Refreshing.

I order the special omelet which contained ham, spinach and fontina cheese. My boyfriend? The Monte Cristo. (ham, turkey and swiss between two pieces of French toast). Simply put, I make him order all the fattening things I would be too ashamed to get!

Time passes, we tell stories with all the panache of Gayborhood fruits about all the Gayborhood staples. Yet, as the cold starts to set into our bones, we realize we’ve been waiting an hour since we ordered our food. Lovely, perfect boyfriend goes inside to talk to the manager who assures him our food will be out in 5 minutes. She comes to the table and explains our check being lost due to a morning power outage and renovations.

Never accept technical difficulties for your food having taken longer than necessary.

EVEN if this were true, after about a half an hour any observant server should have thought to check with the kitchen about our order. It still comes down on shitty service. I call her bluff. I ask, wasn’t the restaurant open for nearly 2 hours before we even sat down? So has this been happening all day, checks being lost? Shouldn’t our waiter be aware? Or did this just happen to us? By the uncomfortable look on her face I judge she’s realized I am not a typical patron.

I am a waitress, hear me roar.

She offers to buy us another round of drinks and we ask for more coffee as well. After 10 more minutes, however, we call her to the table again. The food has not come. We had to ask the server once again for the coffee we requested from her. (Ideally a more appeasing manager would have brought the coffee herself with another round of mea culpas).

Where is the rest of the food? As someone who works every Sunday I was looking forward to a nice day out but that has obviously not happened. Only half the plates are out and while the kitchen has done a fine job, I feel like our waiter has been avoiding us since this whole thing went down. Why should I pay for this prison treatment?

But even I don’t have the audacity to ask for a free meal. Instead I firmly state I want the check to reflect this atrocity.

When our check is brought it is roughly $100 after $85 was taken off. Not even 50%. Once more, the free round she promised us? Well, that comprises $50 of the comp. Truly generous, discounting a round we didn’t even really want. That doesn’t make it genuinely free, sneaky bitch. Oh, and the Monte Cristos were absolutely soggy…

She finally lowers it to $57. Sadly, I work right around the corner from here and I will NEVER recommend it to anyone again.

EL VEZ: Como Estas, Bitch?

So while Valanni was obviously so. much. fun, We decided to make our way to the El Vez bar. The boys ordered a pitcher of the Sangria. When I tried to order a pitcher of the Tequila Tea (same price individually as the sangria) I was told that it would ruin the quality of the drink… and not so much in a polite way.

“Well, the tequila tea is topped with lemonade and to do that in a pitcher would ruin the quality.” Stupid bitch-face tries to peer over her tits to give me her best fake smile.

Isn’t a pitcher like a really huge glass?? Anyways, I yield. I seem to be doing a lot of that today. I order one tequila tea (which was admittedly delicious) and my boytoy orders a coconut flavored coochi coochi. He really loves any allusions to vag.

Finishing our round, Ian comes up with the inspired idea of heading to the Franklin Institute for an IMAX movie. We can even stop in at the Mutter Museum he muses. I’ve never seen the museum of medical oddities and am a bit excited.

MUTTER?: No, Grunt and Die!

Upon reaching the Mutter Museum we realize we only have about 45 minutes to tour around. Admission is $12. Assessing if it is really worth it considering the time crunch; my boyfriend asks a very smart question: “Exactly how many items do you have on display?” This is a statistical question, and yet, the desk attendant’s answer?:

“Uh, we have A LOT of items on display,” she dribbles while nodding her blonde teased Mom-hair. A lot? Oh really, so like 60 or 300?

She tells us more arbitrary piddle about how some people could breeze through the “cramped room” in 45 minutes, while others could spend 3 hours. Hmmm, well I don’t think I’ll waste another minute here.

For the record, the Mutter Museum website claims to have 20,000 items in it’s collection. Wow. That is “a lot”.

Join the carnival midway LADY!! You are certainly good at being annoying vague in an attempt to sell freaks. Steeeeeeeeep Rigggght Up!!!!!

IMAX @ FRANKLIN: Nasty Dinosaurs, a lot kinder than humans.

The IMAX is the only place where things today seem to go according to plan. Or at least a good business model.

We had our hearts set on seeing Leia’s cinnabon hair enveloping Carrie Fisher’s frosting-white pasty face, but the Star Wars show doesn’t start until 7.

Dinosaurs it is, which doesn’t really tell me anything I didn’t know from paying attention to the million trips we took to various museums of natural history in my childhood.

Admittedly these scientists say there is no way to know for sure what sounds these animals made. With their relation to birds, however, I am forced to ask why Jurassic Park didn’t have them sing tweet-tweet before they sunk their massive teeth into a cow. Now that would be truly Phreaked up.

We were entertained!

MEXICAN POST: Montezuma’s Revenge?

Leaving the boys, my man and I decide to head to the Mexican Post at LOVE park for something spicy. Construction in front of the restaurant seems to be limiting foot traffic because we thought the restaurant was closed when we approached it. Dark and without any customers visible. Ugh to the whole experience. My chicken avocado salad sounded delish but when the plate arrived left little to be desired.

I expected grilled chicken but instead got the shredded innards from some chicken taco instead.

Dry and Bland.

Dressings left little to be desired: ranch, chipotle ranch, bleu cheese, and finally oil and vinegar. Which I didn’t think exactly complemented my meal but I decided to mix it with some salsa and see if I could create something decent out of it.

It looked A LOT like this when we were there. Now I know why.

I forgot Sunday is typically the grunt shift which must explain why this day just reeked of bad service.

Where We Went

Valanni:13^th & Spruce

El Vez: 13^th and Sansom

Mutter Museum: 22^nd btwn Chestnut and Market

Franklin Museum: 20^th and Ben Franklin Parkway

Mexican Post: At Love Park on 16th.

Where You Should Go Instead

Caribou Café: 12^th and Walnut

Raw (for Fruit Infused Sake): 13^th and Sansom

Rodin Musuem: 22^nd and Ben Franklin Parkway

Franklin Museum: Don’t Forget the Giftshop!!

Love Park (bring your own picnic dinner): Hell, even WAWA hoagies would be better